Listen to the blog here.
If you are in the U.S., I hope you enjoyed the unofficial end to summer. This blog is coming to you late because I was, in fact, enjoying it offline on a lake in Montana biking, hiking, swimming, paddleboarding, and having lots of conversations around a fire, which led me to today’s topic.
Recently, I bumped into someone I hadn’t seen in a decade. This person wasn’t a close friend or anyone I was particularly interested in, but it happened, and I couldn’t undo the encounter (even though I secretly wished I could!). Because the most painful thing followed: Small Talk, ugh, take me down with a million paper cuts.
Why must we capture the ten years of events since we last saw each other? Questions like “What have you been up to?” or even “How are you?”
Stories don’t start with stories out of nowhere. You can’t expect the above questions to elicit good stories, and unless you’re a glutton for punishment and enjoy the small talk, I suggest that powerful stories start with powerful questions.
In other words, the best stories answer a question.
David Brooks is a New York Times opinion columnist, author, and writer. I don’t know if I can call him a philosopher. I don’t see it in any description of his bios, but I appreciate his thinking regarding connection.
In an Aspen Ideas on Sept 28, 2022 podcast, he gave a talk entitled Building Trust and Connection.
“People want to feel seen, heard, and appreciated.”
This is a seemingly obvious statement, but many would neglect the idea if it weren’t said. Some of my worst bosses are a great example of that.
The most effective way to make people feel seen, heard, and appreciated is by asking powerful questions. These questions can potentially lead to powerful stories, empowering both the storyteller and the listener.
Bad questions, said Brooks, are evaluative: they seek status, like what college you attended and what you do for a living.
Also bad are closed and leading questions like Did you have fun at the amusement park or did you enjoy the movie?
A leading question is how awful was that restaurant?
These questions also won’t work well:
- How have you been?
- How is your summer?
- What are you most excited about? (I used this one to kick off a planning meeting, and someone said, “For this meeting to end.” Just kidding. No one said that. But she did say she was excited for the end of winter, and it was a backhanded complaint that was met with blank stares from around the table. Let’s just say it did not inspire the conversation I hoped for. So this question now joins the bad question list.)
On the other hand, here are some good questions:
- What is a moment in your life that was pivotal to who you are today?
- Tell me about a time (fill in the blank about something you’d like to evoke) …
- What problem did you have before that you have since solved?
- What would you do if you weren’t afraid?
- What’s this chapter in your life about?
- What is the no you keep postponing?
Of course, different questions are suitable for different contexts. In professional environments, we must be careful about asking for vulnerability too early.
Some of my best conversations are held while ski touring in the backcountry (We once talked about choice. If you had to choose between sex or skiing powder for the rest of your life – you could only have one. Which would you pick? Oh, the rationalizations and justifications that ensued!) or around a campfire. This summer, my friend asked: What is your greatest fear? Within five minutes, we dropped into a serious and vulnerable conversation. We were all longtime friends but got to know each other even better.
What if we thought about questions as much as we thought about responses?
Stories hold immense power when we listen to them rather than just tell them. It’s a perspective shift that can lead to more engaging and meaningful conversations. Any questions?
What’s a question you like to ask?
Take care out there.
PS. Get your stories together! November, December, and January are perfect times to prepare for 2025 with my Storycoaching program. I have only a few openings for this one-to-one engagement that lasts three months.
If you are a senior or emerging leader, entrepreneur, or technical and service professional, this is a great opportunity to get an outside perspective and to craft a stable of 3 to 5 stories you can use in your upcoming presentations or meetings. Comment below or contact me if interested, and I can send you the details.
SOME WAYS I MAY BE ABLE TO HELP YOU AND YOUR TEAM:
LEAD YOUR WAY: This mentoring/coaching program is designed to help you step into your leadership and show up as your best self so you can communicate to connect and amplify your impact.
COMMUNICATE TO CONNECT: In my storytelling workshops, I teach leaders of all capabilities how to engage authentically with their teams, community, and stakeholders to create meaningful connections that build trust, increase team engagement and lead to better fundraising and revenue generation.
Did you have something else in mind? Let’s talk and see how I might be able to help. Contact me and we’ll schedule a chat.
Stay in touch.
Sign up for our newsletter and receive a digital version of my book From So What? To So Funded! for free.
Leave a Reply